


Say something

by rosemary22



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M, Sad, i would have cried too much, not as sad as it could be
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-30
Updated: 2014-11-30
Packaged: 2018-02-27 11:48:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2691845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosemary22/pseuds/rosemary22
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If there's risk there has to be hope.<br/>Jean need to be brave. Jean needs all the hope he can have.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Say something

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was a part of a chalenge at Nyah!Fanfiction (a Brazilian fanfic website). I really liked it, so I decided to translate it and post it here. I hope you guys like it!

Until then I didn’t have the guts to go to that place, but that one phone call changed it. That one phone call _made me_ go there.

My phone vibrated and right after I picked it up the unknown number became so familiar. That sweet innocent voice was sad, the child on the other side was clearly crying. I just can’t hear a kid crying and do nothing about it. I had to go, I had to go and try to help.

I stared at the door for a long while before entering the white room, taking a deep breath and gathering all my strength together. If the owner of that voice needed me to be strong it was a vital need for me to be it.

When I finally opened the door I felt the small body embrace me. She was bigger than the last time I had seen her. A lot bigger… I should had seen it coming… I mean, almost a whole month had passed since the last time I’d seen her.

‘Amanda, let me close the door, just a sec.’ she let me go for just one second, just enough for me to do as I said. I held her up, being face to face with her so I could kiss her on the cheek and hug her back properly. The freckled little girl was no longer crying. ‘Now…’ I sighed. ‘I couldn’t get anything you were saying at the phone because… Could you explain to me again why you’re here and why did you call me?’ after I put her back on the floor she went where she was before I came in. Right next to her brother.

 Ok, so... I guess this is the time when I explain some stuff…

First things first, my name is Jean Kirschtein, I’m a below average high school student, pretty common fellow, really. The lovely child that was acting so affectionately towards me was Amanda Bodt, the youngest sibling of the Bodt family. The oldest one went by the name of Marco Bodt, but was also known as my boyfriend.

Ever since I started dating him, his sister and I grew very close to each other. Probably because I was an only child who had always wanted a little sister or brother. Also the fact that I’m great dealing with kids might have had something to do with it. The thing is: child sees us for who we are, not for who we seem to be. Therefore, Amanda could see behind my constant grumpy face, just like her brother could. My relationship with Marco’s parents was always as good as the one I had with Amanda. I wasn’t so close to their dad but their mom was like my second mother.

Our life was as ordinary and common as we were. Marco and I had friends, we were happy, we were two completely normal teenagers. Of course we fought a bit too sometimes… We were fine, we had really boring but really good lives. Until that happened.

It is important to know that I was a complete mess before Marco and our friends helped me out of a lot of shit. You’d think me saying I’m below average is, somehow, lack of self-esteem… I was over nine thousand times worse. A lot sadder, way fucking more melancholic. They – and mainly Marco, because he was the one who introduced me to all our friends – had been the most important mark of a new chapter in my life.

Then it happened. And I slowly started to go back to my shell. It was certainly the most selfish and hateful attitude I could have had. Because I knew that that thing hadn’t affected just me, and I needed to be there to support those who supported me in the past, but… I just couldn’t. It was way out of my ability to cope with things.

I called Marco one day, telling him I wasn’t feeling well, telling him I was feeling sad and hating myself, asking him _please_ to meet me at our spot. I called him and asked him to come to me instead of just going straight to him and asked for his help face to face. And he asked me to go to his house, he asked me to go meet him, but I insisted. I told him I was too sad to do anything. And he never came.

It made me think he abbandoned me. It made me feel worse, it made me think Marco had left me when I needed him most. What an idiot I was being…

He was driving when another car hit his. It was pretty ugly. The other guy – who was drunk as hell and wasn’t with his seatbelts on – died just a few minutes after he got to the ambulance. Marco had the right side of his face disfigured because one of the windows of his car broke and the pieces of glass hit him. His right eyes was hurt pretty bad and the doctor said he’d lost his right eyesight. He was also in a coma.

When his mom came to my house to tell me about the accident I couldn’t cope with that. I stopped answering texts from everyone, I ignored his family because I couldn’t see them and still be strong – especially Amanda, who looked so much like her brother. It was all my fault. Had I not asked him to meet me then he wouldn’t be in a fucking coma. I understand how selfish that was, but I just couldn’t deal with everything.

‘I… I ran away from home…’ she started to talk in a really low tone, probably scared that I would be mad at her. ‘I asked mom to go to a friend’s house and she couldn’t take me, so I told her I could go walking, but…’ she was playing with a lock of her hair. She always did that when she knew how wrong she was but wouldn’t admit it. ‘So mom got _really_ mad at me and started to scream and I told her it wasn’t fair and she screamed louder and said she couldn’t bear the thought of losing another child. So I went to my room and when she wasn’t looking, I ran…’ Amanda looked to my eyes. ‘I used to have Marco to be with me when mom and I fought, but now…’ then she looked back to her brother with a sad expression. ‘I didn’t know who else to call… Sorry.’

‘It’s ok, princess. You did well.’ I kneeled by her side so I could look her right in the eyes. ‘But your mom must probably be freaking out by now, so I’ll have to call her and tell her you’re okay and with me here, ‘kay?’ she nodded. I got my phone from my pocket and called her mom. The number was named as the emoji of a heart, it was Marco’s phone number… I tried to be quick, as soon as Mrs Bodt picked up the phone I explained her the situation and she said she would be on her way.

The last thing I wanted was to see another member of the Bodt family. Looking at Amanda was hard enough. All the effort to ignore my boyfriend’s body, lying unawake so close to me was already draining too much energy from me. And I was so scared of how their mom would look at me… I was so scared of the disappointment I was sure would be in her eyes.

Amanda was too young, she wouldn’t judge my absence. But her mom was a whole other deal. I knew I was being a coward, obviously, but I didn’t need anyone else pointing that out for me. I was just trying to be strong, even if in the wrong way…

I sat at the chair next to the bed, discretely turning it around so I didn’t have to face Marco, and put Amanda sitting on my lap.

‘Jeaaan.’ she called me loudly. ‘Did mom ever lose a child?’ my heart hurt.

‘No, princess, she was talking about your brother…’ I ran my hands through her hair and started playing with it. She loved when Marco and I did that to her.

‘But she didn’t lose him... I mean, he's just sleeping, right?’ I nodded.

‘The thing is, we don’t know for how long he’ll be asleep. And as you get older you start losing your hope on stuff, you know… Because older people went through a lot of things already, so they’re tired of hoping. Not everyone is like that, but most adults are.’

‘Oh, so that’s why…’ Amanda started to shake her legs. ‘I heard dad saying Marco won’t wake up... But I think he’s wrong. Big bro would never leave without saying goodbye. Especially for you, Jean.’ I nodded again, but didn’t say anything. I was hurting too much. ‘Why didn’t you come before?’

‘Because...’ I took a deep breath and thought about lying. But Amanda deserved a lot more than just a stupid excuse. ‘I don’t know, princes… I guess I just didn’t have the courage to come.’ she then stared at me.

‘Is it the same reason why you didn’t look at Marco today?’ I smiled and pinched her nose.

‘You’re such a smart girl.’ she smiled back, thanking me. ‘I guess so… I’m a bit scared, I don’t know…’

‘Of seeing his face? I was really scared of that too, bro, but Marco’s still Marco. I promise you.’ I swallowed hard and stopped smiling. Right after that she started talking nonstop about her school and her friends and all of the things that happened to her that past month.

Amanda talking about all those things completely killed me. Because it made me realize that life goes on. Even when Marco was in a coma right next to us… The world wouldn’t stop turning, seasons wouldn’t stop changing, Amanda, the others and I would have to keep going to school, taking tests, living our lives. That was terrible.

‘Amanda!’ her mom got into the room angry. The girl jumped out of my lap and lowered her head, but Mrs Bodt didn’t say anything else. She just hugged her kid. ‘Please, honey, please don’t do that again… I was so worried…’

‘Sorry, mom…’ I stood up to say hello.

‘Jean, my love! It’s been so long since the last time we met.’ the look in her eyes wasn’t full of judgment, it was comforting. She hugged me for a very long period of time. ‘I’m so sorry for Mandy calling you…But thank you so much for telling me she was safe.’

‘Yeah, it’s been a long time… It’s ok, Mrs B. I owe so much to you guys and I love Mandy as if she was my own sister, so it’s no big deal, really.’

‘I see… We miss you, dear. I’m sure Amanda told you that already, but I’d like you to know we really do. You should come over for dinner one of these days.’ I nodded. I had to be polite, even though I didn’t think I would ever be able to do so. ‘It’s the first time you come here, isn’t it?’ she let go from the hug to look at my face. I nodded again. ‘Oh, I see. So I guess we should leave you two alone. I believe you have a lot to say and to think, right.’

‘Yeah, thanks… But I think I’ll leave it to a next time. I need to head back home and...’ she interrupted me, as if she’d ignored all I said.

‘He’s not answering to external stimuli, but, who knows… Maybe your voice would do the trick.’ she sighed. I could see how sad it was for her to say that. I felt even worse. ‘I understand how hard this is for you, Jean. The first time was almost unbearable for me, my love, but... Do you get why I’m asking it?’

‘I do, Mrs B.’ she smiled at me.

‘We can’t let ourselves lose hope, right?’ I nodded. ‘Well, let’s go, honey?’ Amanda hugged me one last time and I kissed her hand, making her smile. ‘Call me, let’s meet more often, love.’

After they left the room, I kept with my back turned to Marco. It took me all the guts in the world to go next to him and actually look at him. Amanda was right. He was still Marco. My Marco. His right side wasn’t that bad as I was expecting it to be. I ran my fingers throught the scars and bit on my lower lip.

‘Hey there, Marco...’ my voice was too low. ‘It took me a while, but I’m here now…’ my hands were shivering a bit. ‘Because Mandy called, yeah, but I came. I’m here now. And the worst part is that I know you woulnd’t give a two shits about that. You would understand right away why I was so scared and so coward… You would just smile at me and say you were glad I made it here. When I myself was such a stupid dick who got mad at you not showing up that day before I knew about the accident…’ I took a deep breath and ran my fingers through his hair, just as I had done to Amanda a few minutes back. ‘It’s all my fault, Marco… I should had listened to you. If I hadn’t asked you to go meet me… I should had been less of an egoist just for once.’ when I noticed, the tears were already streaming down my face. ‘It should be me laying there, right? It’s not fair, it shouldn’t be you. It’s not fair that your Family suffers so much and that you lose so much because I’m such a selfish person!’

I touched his forehead with mine, closing my eyes.

‘I miss you. I miss your touch, I miss your voice, I… Marco, please, come back to me. Come back to us. Please.’ I kissed his forehead. ‘Or at least don’t go away without saying goodbye...’ more kissed. ‘Why isn’t my voice doing shit? Why isn’t my touch changing anything? Why can’t I chage this? I put you there, why can’t I take you from this too? Please, Marco, say something... Anything... Don’t be like that forever, Marco, please. I beg you. I’ll pray if that’s what it takes. To every single divinity there is in our world.’ it was really hard to speak, I had to force my voice out. ‘I’ll do anything, just… Please...’

So it happened. Exactly what I thought that would: he stood still, eyes closed, looking so... Dead. Not answering me or anyone else.

‘I love you, Marco. I love you so much... I’m so, so, so sorry. I know you would say it is not my fault, but it is and I know it.’ I kissed him on the lips. ‘I also know how egoist it is to ask you to come back just because I need you, but I _am_ egoist. Even when it was my egoism that put you there it is him that makes me ask you to come back… Because that’s love… Being egoist mutually…’ I bit my lower lip one more time. ‘I love you, ok? Remember that, always. If you’re listening, if you’re still there: I love you more than anything.’

I spent about ten more minutes there with him, sobbing quietly. And a few more to stop crying and get out of that room as if nothing happened at all. After that day I started going there more often and talk to him, tell him about our friends and how I was starting to get out of my shell again, about everything that happened to me. I would tell him stories and sing him my new favorite songs and play with Amanda next to him as we used to do when he was ok.

And even if the doctors told us there was no perspective of him waking up anytime soon I wouldn’t lose my hope. I would keep going there every single day I could. Because Amanda was right.

Marco would never leave without saying goodbye.

**Author's Note:**

> So, yeah, that was it. If there are any grammar mistakes or anything please tell me. I know that "english is not my native language" is in no way an excuse for not caring about grammar and stuff like that, so please let me know if I made any mistakes. You can do it in the comments or at my tumblr (somepeoplearebiggerontheinside).  
> Thanks for taking your time to read it!


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